The Road to my Recovery

Watching "Thin" was a bad idea as I know feel the urge to go back into my old habits. Even though the girls in the documentary realized they were sick, I thought they looked beautiful & could relate to most of them on some level.
The rest of the day, I have had horrible body image issues. I have felt fat, disgusting & bloated. I have no confidence in myself. I ate a cheese burger & fries at lunch because I thought I deserved to treat myself. As soon as I finished it, I felt horrible. I have been moody & grumpy for the rest of the day. I feel like a royal fuck up. As though I can't do anything right. Even when I try & eat healthy, I manage to fuck that up. As soon as I came home from school, I just wanted to crawl into bed & go to sleep because I felt so exhausted for no reason. Well actually, I know why I feel so exhausted & it's because I am sick of being & thinking like this. I want to be a normal college student & go out with my friends & eat & drink without feeling guilty. I want to be able to focus on something more relevant & important than my weight. I am so tired of feeling "fat". No one else sees me as being overweight except for myself.

I am choosing not to weigh myself until my period is done as I feel it will be too upsetting. As for food, thing have been going relatively well today. I am however hungry as I write this but I feel that I don't need to eat. I am about to watch a documentary called "Thin" which is about eating disorders individuals in recovery. Maybe it is triggering right now... I don't know. I hope that it will help open my eyes. I think one of the reasons I choose not to eat tonight is because today was one of my "skinny days", where I actually feel like I was thin, even looking in the mirror. Part of me wants to keep that going & look "beautiful". I can feel my shoulder blade sticking out right now & I know that it is clearly visible. In my mind this is a good thing, but at the same time I realize that thoughts & behaviors like this are not good for my mental health. I need to remember that bones protruding from your body is not a sign of being healthy & beautiful. Most people in fact think it is disgusting. I am not disgusting, but I also don't look healthy

January 7/07- Today was actually a good day in terms of my weight & food. I did weigh myself, but again it had no real significance in my mind. As for food, I ate, but it was not as much as a "normal" person would consider normal. I slept in late so I only had lunch & dinner, but I did prepare food for both. Lunch was more fulfilling then dinner. I also did snack later in the evening while watching tv. I'm going to try & prepare proper meals for the rest of the week. My main focus will be on dinner as my breakfast & lunch's usually get mixed up, or I don't eat for one of them.

January 8/07- Today was another great day. I continue to weight myself, but the weight doesn't seem to have much significance. Today I was 1lb heavier then yesterday, but I put it towards water weight as I am supposed to get my period this week. I also realise that a person's weigth changes from day to day. For food, I think I did an excellent job. I made a very healthy dinner of rice, veggies & chicken. It was filling enough, but I didn't feel guilty for eating it. I am a little concerned for tomorrow as our class is having a pizza & pop party. Sure I could not eat any of it, but I want to try without feeling bad about it. Thoughts like "will there at least be diet soda?". I need to stop worrying so much & think of something smart like proper portions. If I know things like this are coming up then I can plan ahead so that I don't feel anxious or worried.

January 6/07- I did have enough confidence to weigh myself this morning. I have been the same weight for three days. I'm not sure if I am happy about this or not. I would like to loser another 5lb & then I think I will be at a weight range that I am comfortable with. As for food wise, I ate well this morning & this afternoon. Tonight I have been feeling hungry, but I have not made an effort to make myself a substancle meal. I have simply only been snacking. I did go grocery shopping today when I got back into Kitchener. I made an effort to buy very healthy food. Lots of fruits, vegetables & meat. As for the meat I stuck mostly to fish & chicken as I feel more comfortable eating these as opposed to other meats. I should have eaten more today as my physical activity has increased. I am changing bedrooms in the house I am living in & have been doing massive amounts of lifting. I think my mind thinks that this increase in exercise & decrease in food consumption will help contribute to my weight loss. I once again need to learn that this association is not a good or healthy one.

January 5/07- My day hasn't actually started yet, but the opportunity to go out with friends has come up. They want to go to a bar, I don't. Not so much because of the drinking, but because I know the alcohol is full of calories. I am going to make an attempt to suggest something else as I refuse to go to a bar. Most activities with my friends involve food. If I am hungry I will eat, but I will still make efforts to eat as little as possible unless it is healthy food. Salads are always an option, especially if they contain meat or fish for added protein. I only worry because when I go out with friends to eat, they don't have to think about what they are eating as none of them have issues with food, as far as I know of anyway. They order whatever they feel like. I hope days like this for me come soon!

I didn't end up going out with friends. They called & I simply stated that I didn't want to go to a bar, but they should go if they want to & not feel guilty. I did weigh myself again today but it had no real significance in my mind. Last night I did go to bed hungry & at first felt good. I eventually gave in & got up & ate something small. I need to learn & work on that the feeling of hunger does not have good associations & that I need to work on not making these associations. As for actual eating, I ate normally today. Good helpings with all of my meals. I do feel guilty at the end of the day with the fact that I ate so much, in my eyes anyway. I don't know if I will feel comfortable weighing myself in the morning.

I did decide to weight myself today. I gained weight initially over my break because I was eating more than I usually do. After being sick I managed to lose 3.5lb. I shouldn't be happy that I am losing weight again, but this puts me in my comfort zone that I have made for myself. This comfort zone is an acceptable weight range, even according to doctors. I will see if I loose more weight & how my mood towards it is. I went out for dinner with my father tonight. I ordered a club with fries & a diet coke. In my mind it was one of the more healthier choice's on the menu. I didn't finish the meal but that was because I was actually full & they serve large portions. I wasn't really hungry for a snack tonight, but I decided to eat two cheese strings for the calcium. I received a tin of popcorn for Christmas & started eating it over the weekend. I then developed the stomach flu. Tonight my mother brought it upstairs for me in case I wanted any. When I did eat it over the weekend it did have a funny taste to it. I didn't want to eat any of it tonight. I kept telling myself it was because of the strange taste, but I also wonder if I'm afraid to consume it. I tried a handful later in the evening & it still tasted odd. So both me & my parents agreed for me not to consume it in case there is something wrong with it, physically or if it's just in my head. I really think it's just all in my head.

Today I did not manage to weigh myself as other things in my mind had greater priority. I had no anxiety for not doing this. As for food consumption, I did eat. It was not a substancle amount of food, but it was still something. I still feel the need to drink excessive amounts of Diet Coke in a day & I still believe that a drink with 100+ calories constitutes a meal. I did consume "junk food" without feeling guilty. Although consuming something & not feeling bad about it is a good frame of mind, I need to make & healthier choices in terms of snacks.